The night brings sadness.

I really wish that I could sit down and visit a dear friend from SpringHill. I loved being able to focus solely on God. Why can't I now? Why do I get caught up and everything around me? Why can't I sit for a moment of silence only thinking of him. Why is it I can't? I just want to sit and cry my heart out to him. I want to have all of my life devoted to him. I want so much more than I have. 

Why do I feel I have failed? Why do I feel like I could just sit here and hate myself for what I've done? When I just need him. I need to focus. I know that God loves me and I know what my current life plan is. But sometimes I struggle but we all do. We all fail. But the glorious thing about that is our God will give us another chance. 

I love God more than I ever thought I could. I love life more than I thought I could. I want more of that time to focus on him. I want to be able to grow stronger. I want to be the best christian I can be. And well Im not doing that right now. 

Who am I?

If you sit down and talk with anyone who knew me a year ago they would tell you I am increadibly different, Im not the same person. You wouldn't even know who I was back then, I didn't even know who I was. I didn't care to know. But now thats different. Who am I?

This is not some story of who I am as like where I go to school, etc. But who I am spiritually How have I changed. I know that a lot of who I am now came from SpringHill camps and from my own learning. My own trial and errors. Over the school year I failed at many thiings, I encountered much drama. Things such as a romantic situation with a guy, a relationship with another guy, a roommate fight, a few expolsions, etc. A lot of serious dramatic problems. Some hard times with people around me. But I made it threw and I learned through every single one of them.

Life

What does my life mean? A question asked often and it super hard to figure out. I know that everyone struggles with the answer to this question. Its not easy. We all hurt. We all want love. We all want happiness. We all want truth. We all want to know the point of life. But how do we find that? 

Its hard for any girl to sit around and not know what the point of their lives are. The only thing we are given is that God has a plan for us, and that our plan is to live whole heartily for him. But what else is there? How are we to do this? What if we fail? What if no matter how hard we try it just doesn't seem possible?

I know that for me. I hurt everyday. Something in my life comes back to hurt me. Whether it be school, home, boys, or friends. But I know that the devil wants us to live in pain and hurt. He doesn't want us to be able to see life in a positive way. But we will always hurt because we are human, and live on earth with sin. But what can we do about it? 

I know that I always am looking for love. I enjoy loving others, and I want to be loved. But I know that I have been learning what its like to truly feel Christs love. Something so amazing. Something I need. A love I will never find anywhere else but with Christ. But I still at times find my self wanting more love. The love of my peers, and the love of a man. But this love won't be found until, I can fully love myself and Christ. How do I do that?

I know that I sometimes feel like I can never be happy. That my life just never will be something to be happy about. But other days I just sit there feeling so happy, I dont know how to hold all the happiness in. I find that I want the most happiness I can get I want to be forever happy. I don't want pain. But its kind of part of life. But the more I live for God the happier I should be. How do I do that? 

I know that I don't always know what truth is. I look for the truth everywhere. Sometimes its right in front of me. Isn't the truth God? But why do I always feel like Im not being told everything? Why do I need to know this, I should be happy with knowing that Christ is the truth. How do I face that the truth I know is revealed by God? 

I know that sometimes I sit around wondering what the point of my life is. Why I sit here going through things like this. Why can't I have the no hurt, lots of love and happiness? I think I just have to be able to lay it down to God. It will be clear when the time is right.

To figure out how to understand hurt, I need to see that Christ suffered for us. God hurts when he sees his people so far away from what he designed us for. The bible tells us the road won't be easy, we will suffer. I chose this. But I won't always have to feel this way. I need to do what he asks of me. 

To know how to love like Christ. I need to remember I love because he first loved me. 1 John 4:19. We wouldn't even be able to love if he didn't love us. If we show love for him. If we read, and study his word, if we pray, and meditate and work on the removal of our sin. This will help. If we help others, if we don't think of ourselves everything would change.

Being happy will come. Even if I don't have it when I want it. If I wasn't so selfish I wouldn't have this problem. I need to know that God tells me that I will not always be happy. But as long as I don't lose hope in him. I will get the happiness he promises in the end. 

Truth will come as long as I only find the  truth from what God has to say. He is the only real answer. This takes time. But he is the truth. The bible mentions that. Jesus says I am the way, the truth and the life..... John 14:6. Knowing the truth will bring great things. 

With all of this. I know that my life can be fulfilled the way God intended. 

Child Like Faith.

The other night I sat and talked with my best friend for a few hours. Its great to be able to share finally with someone all the thoughts in my head. Those thoughts that only my Savior knows. It was great to be able to know she would just listen and share how she felt. We agree on many things one being the faith of a Child.

Its great to have an accountability partner, thats what she is for me. I know I can tell her anything and she will pray for me, and she will help me. So thats what we do, I give her my problems, she gives me hers and we pray. We talk.

Bringing up the thought of our families. The children around us love eachother so unconditionally. Its true. The love I have for my little cousin is so strong, and the same for her with her nieces and nephews. Its amazing that we can love them so much. To love God that much is so wonderful as well. But its hard to see how he can love us that much and to know the love that we can imagine is much less than the love God has for us. He loves us no matter what, this is amazing.

Children love their parents, and family no matter what they do to them. They would do anything for the ones they love. They put all of their faith in those around them. Why can't we do that? I mean at times we can. But how many can say I never doubt, I never fail, and I never get angry. No one. Children can seriously forgive and love so easily. Love isn't easy. I think this is why God calls us to have faith like a child. They have amazing faith.

I want this faith. I want to not ever doubt. I don't mean on him being real, I just mean in general. I need to always remember that he loves, and as long as I live for him. I am taken care of. Child like Faith.

What Oh Lord Do You Call Me Too Do?

Well I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my Majors. They are Social Work and Childrens Ministry. Both call so much to me I love people, I want to help them meet their needs, I want them to know they are not alone. I can't stand people hurting. I also have such a terribly strong love for Children, I don't want to see them hurting. I want them to know life has good. That there is love. I want to show them the love of Christ.

Lately, I have been thinking about just what do I really want to do. In one of my classes we have been doing local justice projects. Organizations that our helping the hurting, etc. This makes me think. Also in my ministry class we have been talking about what is your philosophy of your ministry. I've been really thinking about this. I think that I want to other work with a Christian Adoption Agency or make a Christian environment for children who are homeless. Take them off the streets and provide them with love of Jesus and a safe environment. I want to do anything I can to help them. To see them hurting, hurts me I want to know that I can work with them. Thats some of what God has been laying on my heart.

Luke 12:34  "Your heart will be where your treasure is"
Isaiah 54:13 "All your sons will be taught by the Lord and great will be your childrens peace."
Matthew 25:35-40

Nothing Compares

All I can ever think about is my God. I know hes there for me, and I know I am on the right path. Every single time I reflect I see him there, and if I don't I know its something I did wrong. I know from what he is telling me how to change it. To make it all for him. I know that he makes me knew. 

No one ever can compare to him. I'm not just saying that because of the bible or because Im a Christian I truly feel this. Every joy in my life is because of him. I can't help but reflect on truth. I know that every moment I have is for him. I don't want to waste time on things that don't belong to him. 

1 John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason that the world does not know us is that he did not know him". 

Isaiah 40:18 says "To whom, then, will you compare to God? What image will you compare to him"? 

I'm thankful and I know I can never compare something to his love. 

I'm not Worthy

Lately I've been feeling down feeling, that I am not worth of any of your love. And its true none of us are.But I shouldn't be letting that get to me, or let it hinder our relationship. Often many people feel this way, but we aren't worthy of HIM but we can live for him, and be strong. If I feel not worthy I can do something to change that. I can live more for Christ. I know that I can continue a relationship for him and live a holy pleasing life on to him. I don't need to feel unworthy to worship him. I need to just do it. And so do all of you. He wants to hear from his children. He also really wants to hear from them when they are hurting. Because he loves us. And we are his Children.

Beautiful Things

What is beautiful? Its hard to say. Beautiful is described differently by each person. Regardless of what it means to each individual we know that we all find  things beautiful. Things such as flowers, the stars, the earth and sometimes specific people. If I were to describe beautiful, I would say its more than the way we look its a deeper meaning. If a person mean, rude, uncaring its harder for me to see their beauty. I believe that every single thing created from our God is beautiful. I can't help but look around and think wow this is so beautiful. This world is incredibly gorgeous. We are one of his most beautiful creations. He took the most precious time ever to create us. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says he made everything beautiful in its own time. We also must remember that it doesn't matter what others have to say about us for we are beautiful. 1 Samuel 16:7 says "The Lord doesn't see the things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the lord looks at the heart. The word beauty is defined by God not by the world. We are beautiful.